The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) Upon Encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite (GPS) coordinates to snake. 

Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel and crew rest. Goes back this

time finds snake, locks on target.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with

three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians

as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all

participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

 

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department

directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport

with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes.

Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

 

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis

in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter

mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how

to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

 

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire

support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to

safety.  Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist

snakes.

 

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills

snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on

how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force

projection.

 

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.  Local

civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter

(accidentally, of course), then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers

two weeks after due date.

 

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter

and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

 

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and

misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover, etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

 

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

 

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds

bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash

blows snake into fire.

 

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every

other living thing within two miles of target.

 

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,

but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use

nuclear weapons.

 

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of key activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

 

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

 

25. Army Special Operations Aviation (160th): Petitions USSOCOM for

new anti-snake version of the Blackhawk (probably call it the MH-60X)

with a total program cost of $1.7 Billion (FY 00 dollars). The new

simulator for the MH-60X will cost $35 Million (FY 00 dollars), but

will be obsolete by the time initial production versions of the MH-60X

arrive. Time line will slip by several years due to development

problems. Snakes will be extinct by the time the aircraft is delivered

in number.

 

26. OH-58D Pilot: Pilot sees snake, snake sees pilot. Snake runs

away and leaves pilot in the dust. Pilot declares no joy.

 

27. CH-47D Pilot: Would pick snake up, but aircraft is already filled with golf cart, hot tub, three weeks of food stuff for the crew, "girlfriends" from the cross-country flight destination, and more parts for those poor Apache

"pilots".